If someone told me there was a 1 in 224 chance of winning the lottery, I would go about my normal spending habits...and by no means, hold my breath.
If I had a 1 in 224 chance of being selected for jury duty, I would plan my days normally.
If a baseball player has a .004 batting average, chances of him getting a hit are pretty dismal...basically non-existent.
Yet, when slapped with the news this baby I'm carrying is at an increased risk of being born with Down Syndrome, 1 in 224 to be exact, I can't help but to think we are going to be that one rare case.
The news came on Wednesday. My phone dinged and I noticed a voicemail from my OB's office. At first, I figured it was an appointment reminder...until I realized my next appointment was still three weeks away. Then I remembered the Penta Screen blood test we had done a week prior. I assumed they were calling to tell me everything had come back normal. And then I listened to the voicemail. The familial voice of my doctor herself sounded on the other end, asking me to call her when I had the chance.
Immediately, my heart started pounding. In that instant, I knew it wasn't good. My fingers trembled as I pushed the buttons to return her call. The receptionist asked who was calling and quicker than I expected, Dr. Cooper was on the other end.
Her first words were something to the effect of "You are high risk for Down Syndrome." She might as well have said "Your baby has Down Syndrome" because that's what I heard.
Heart break.
She went on to say that my blood work showed we're at an increased risk of having a baby with Down Syndrome, the odds being 1 in 224, which is less than 0.5%.
Hope.
However, it's also not what's considered "normal". According to the Internet, "normal" odds are 1 in 250 (or 270...I've seen both) and our odds are 1 in 224. Which makes sense because, according to my doctor, we fall just below the cutoff.
I'm a math teacher. I love numbers. I know these odds are wildly in our favor. 223 times out of 224 (99.55%) the baby is born without the genetic condition. That's huge...and the chance of us being that one rare case is just that - rare.
But I also can't deny that whatever showed up in my blood work is consistent with the blood work of mothers who birth babies with Down Syndrome. And that has me terrified.
As ashamed as I am to admit, some of the worst thoughts have been floating through my head.
I don't want a baby with Down Syndrome.
We should have stopped at two.
This perfect life we now know will soon be over.
We already endured hardships during my pregnancy with Brantley...and then again after he was born. WHY us again?!
I wish we wouldn't have done this test.
I wish we wouldn't have gotten pregnant the first month of trying...then it would be a different baby made up of a different set of chromosomes.
Life is not fair.
I've been praying around the clock.
Please, God, give us a normal baby and then I'm done having kids.
Why, why, why???
To this point, my pregnancy has been a dream. Perfect and
without complications, morning sickness, and any negative side effects.
But from day one, it felt too good to be true. I just felt it, something was bound to go wrong.
And now this. A diagnosis like this would be life changing. I'm scared. Terrified, worried, and heart broken, to be exact.
But then I remind myself it could be worse. It's not the end of the world. It's not a death sentence. People have babies with Down Syndrome all the time. They love them. They wouldn't change them.
I will love this baby regardless. It's just not how I pictured my life with three kids. At all.
The tears have been plenty and the fears are real.
Where do we go next? In lieu of our originally scheduled 20-week anatomy scan on July 6, we now have to go (get to go?) for a level 2 ultrasound on Monday at the hospital. The doctor will look more in depth for the tell-tale "markers" of Down Syndrome. Based on the results, we may or may not elect to have an amniocentesis.
My excitement for our 20-week ultrasound no longer exists. On one hand, I want to go because I want the good news that our baby is fine. On the other, I just want to avoid it. I want to avoid looking...and listening...because quite honestly, I don't want to know. And at this point, I couldn't care less about the gender of this baby.
I'm trying to stay positive...and remind myself of that 99.5% chance that our baby is fine. But it's hard. Tremendously hard to think positive when thrown into this situation.
I really don't mind sharing our news. It helps me sort through my feelings and {shocker} as someone who blogs, I don't mind sharing the details of my life. But more than anything, I believe that the more people praying for this baby, the better.
1 in 224. Those are our odds. Could you do me a favor and please, please, please pray that we are among the 223? And worse case scenario, pray for our strength and positivity in the rare instance that we are not, but rather we the one.
(To the moms of children with Down Syndrome--or any other life-altering diagnosis--who may read this: Please don't take this the wrong way. By no means am I saying your life isn't perfect. I'm just trying to be 100% honest in describing the way I feel in this moment. My feelings are very raw, as it's only been about 36 hours since receiving the news. I hope you can understand how I feel and remember the moment you learned about the diagnosis of your little one. I know my life will still be perfect...and that everything will be okay in the end. It may just be different than what I ever imagined. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, which was and still in my outlook on the difficulties we endured with Brantley. I have no doubt I will feel the same about this as time passes. I know God is in control and my mom also reminded me that He only gives special babies to special moms and dads. Please don't hate me for writing some of the things I did.)
Wow Sarah. I'm so sorry that you are feeling and going through this. As you said it could be worse but it is a blow you weren't expecting which makes it hard. There are so many moms out there with children of Down syndrome and they are so amazing and uplifting in this situation. I will be thinking of you and praying for the results you want. :)
ReplyDeleteThinking about you and praying for you. You have the right to feel how you feel. Your thoughts at the end are very kind and I hope people reading this will take it the way you intended. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteSarah, sending up prayers for a healthy baby.
ReplyDeleteOh Sarah, I'm sorry you're going through this! You have every right to say how you feel about this - it is news no one really ever expects to hear so when you do, I imagine it is earth shattering. I will keep you and your family and baby #3 in my prayers and I know everything will work out. Just have faith :) xo
ReplyDeleteOh Sarah, I am so incredibly sorry. My heart hurts for you in this moment. Getting any type of negative news about the precious life you are carrying is a huge deal. All we want as mothers is for our babies to be perfectly healthy. I will be saying so many extra prayers for you guys as you go through this time right now. Sending my love your way and to that sweet little life! Xoxo
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, no need to apologize. I'm sure these would be the same sort of feelings any mama would go through in the event they were facing something like this. Actually, I have some of these thoughts (& fears) when thinking about growing our family. And that's because as mamas we want the absolute best for all of our babies without any additional struggles or hardships. But, I know this baby is going to be perfect no matter what. And it was hand-picked by God for you guys! You are one of the best mamas that I know and I know you will love this new baby so deeply. I thought about you all night last night and prayed so big. I wished I could jump through my phone and give you a big ol hug! Just know that I will continue praying for you and that sweet little babe! Gods got this! Have a good weekend sweet friend!!
ReplyDeleteOh, Sarah! My heart is heavy for you. I will be praying for you, and your baby. I'm sure it will be fine, but I can understand your worry. I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this. ❤️
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. We were given 1 in 220 odds during my second pregnancy. I was terrified. We went for our level 2 and they were able to nearly rule it out as there were no other markers. I'm praying that your baby has the same results as we did. Everything turned out fine. But I know the feelings you're having. You are allowed to feel scared and worried. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteKeeping you in my thoughts and prayers. News that your baby may not be 100% healthy or what you'd imagined would be devastating to anyone. Try to stay positive and not worry until you know more. I know that's easier said than done-WAY easier said than done, but try. Worrying won't change anything, but it will affect you and the baby. No matter what, you all will be ok. Sending you lots of love!!
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, mama. No matter what the situation, it's hard to keep your mind wandering to all of the different outcomes. I'll be thinking of you and praying for a happy healthy baby!
ReplyDeletePrayers for you and the baby Sarah! You are allowed to feel how you feel... Lots of love
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear what you are going thru. I can't imagine how difficult it all must be.
ReplyDeleteBut know this: no matter how things turn out, you are a great mom and it's going to be a great kid.
So sorry to hear about this and the stress it is surely causing you! Lots of prayers for a healthy baby! I will encourage you do lots of research on amniocentesis though. Usually the risk of miscarriage is far greater than the chance of you even carrying a Down syndrome baby. My thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you and your family! It will be hard to not let this be the focus of the rest of your pregnancy. Everything will be alright in the end you just need to take it one day at a time and do lots of activities this summer to keep your mind off it! Thinking of you and your family!
ReplyDeleteSarah, please don't feel that you need to apologize because you don't. You have every right to feel how you are feeling. I will be praying for you, your precious baby, your husband. Sending big hugs your way!
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing for to share such real feelings. Don't feel bad to feel the way you do, we understand. We had scares in both our pregnancies and it's devestating to think that your child might not have the healthiest life possible. We just want the best for our kids! Regardless, you are amazing, loving parents and the child will be the luckiest to have you! Will keep praying for health, strength, and peace for all!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you have to deal with the worry and I hope everything turns out ok!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're dealing with this friend. Lots and lots of prayers for you and this sweet babe!
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine receiving that news and the overwhelming fear of the 'unknown' that comes with it. I hope you get some answers, and find more peace with each passing day!! Praying for healthy baby and healthy momma!! :)
ReplyDeletePraying for you and that sweet baby Sarah! Thank you for sharing what's going on...and sharing your feelings, which I'm 100% sure every mom would feel if she received that news. I'll be praying that no matter what the diagnosis, you and baby are happy and healthy!
ReplyDeletePrayers for you and your family. I can't image the stress of what you are going through and the feelings of "what if" and "why". We didn't have the testing down because I knew that it didn't matter one way or another. I will be thinking of you. Hugs, friend.
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to feel the way you do and the type of person that you are really shines through at the end of the post when your thoughtfulness for others who might have a child with special needs shines through. You are an incredible mom, person, and friend. I know that no matter what happens, that baby will be filled with love. I can't stop thinking about you and hoping for the best. You are so brave to share your feelings, especially when this news just happened a couple days ago. Thinking of you and your sweet fam this weekend! xo
ReplyDeleteThis was beautifully written... I have tears rolling down my cheeks... Sending prayers and hugs to you and Craig. Now go get that mini-van!
ReplyDeleteI so respect you being honest about your reaction. Prayers that everything turns out exactly how it is supposed to!
ReplyDeleteOh my, so sorry that this is happening! Prayers for your family!
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah I completely understand what you are going through I was the 1 in 6000 to have a baby diagnosed with a terrible disease. We found out at 26 weeks. We ended up losing that baby in utero at 31 weeks. We had been trying to get pregnant for 4 years. I will be praying for you and this baby. I am not sure if you follow lexilooliamlilydylantoo but she is amazing and you might find some comfort in her posts.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I think your feelings are all very natural, especially since the news is so new and raw! I'm praying that your baby doesn't have Down syndrome, but if they are, I'm sure you will take this challenge head on. This baby is blessed to have you as their mom no matter what their chromosomes end up being.
ReplyDeleteSarah! I will be thinking of you and your family!
ReplyDeleteI worried about this when I was pregnant too. I would feel the same way you are. Praying for you that Monday comes quickly for more answers.
ReplyDeleteNo one can blame you for being scared of the unknown! I had a "very low PAP-A" with Luke which meant my placenta wasn't producing high enough protein and it is one of the signs for downs. We were worried and it turned out lives upside down for a while as we played with the idea. We came to the conclusion that this possibility was scary only because it was just different than what we had envisioned originally. Anyway I will be praying and hoping for you all! God has great plans for your family :)
ReplyDeleteHugs, prayers, pixie dust, love being sent your way. If you need anything Im here. But as you stated, God has your story written out and you are in good hands. Take comfort, darling.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine the anxiety you are feeling. Sending positive vibes your way. The world (I'm not a religious person but if you are, insert God here) never gives us more than we can handle. If it does happen, you will realize the strength, love and wisdom inside yourself to handle it. And your life will be better and more fulfilled for it. And all of that will happen anyway without a special needs baby because you and hubby will be outnumbered! Have a nice weekend.
ReplyDeleteSends so many prayers to you, your baby, and family. You are feeling the way any mom would feel who found out this news. Please try and get some rest while the boys are gone and try not to stress too much. So many are praying for you and will continue to whatever the news is on Monday.
ReplyDeletePraying that God gives you peace that passes all understanding. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written, and I know every single mom can relate. I am thinking of you, your family, and that sweet baby. Hug, friend! XOXOXOX
ReplyDeleteSending so many prayers! I would be going through the same stress and worry but you said it perfectly. God has a plan and in the end it will all work out. Praying for a healthy baby!
ReplyDeleteFaced with the same unknown we would all have those same thoughts. You want your kid to have as few challenges in life as possible. It's perfectly normal to not want to be that one in 224. Definitely prayers for the healthiest little baby!
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else has said, you don't need to feel bad for feeling what you do. Every mother in your situation would be struggling with the same idea. Youre a great mom who just wants the best for her kids. Love you, friend! Continuing to pray for sweet baby Sides ❤️
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog after seeing a comment you left on Casey Becker's blog. I started with your first post and gave just now read my way through your entire blog. It is evident in how you describe your children and your relationship with them that you are a wonderful mother. I have no doubt that whatever this child brings into your life, you will handle with grace, optimism, and love. I hope that the outcome our your ultrasound will put your heart at ease. I will be thinking of you. Lots of love sent to your family!
ReplyDeleteYou are strong mama, and regardless of what this ultrasound says, you will get through it. You are 100% entitled to feel the way you do - no one wants things to be harder for their child. Will be thinking of you, my dear <3
ReplyDeleteOh Sarah, I'm sorry I'm just now reading this. My love, prayers and support go out to you and your family. I can't imagine how nervous and scared you guys must be right now. Not knowing is so hard and stressful. No matter what outcome, I know that baby will be so incredibly loved, wanted and supported. That kid is so lucky to have you as a mama and I know you will handle any obstacle with grace, love and compassion. If you get that news, I'm sure there will be a mourning period for the child you thought you were getting, but it'll be followed by an even bigger celebration for the wonderful little soul that will join your family and force your heart to grow bigger than you ever imagined it could. You guys are truly blessed.
ReplyDeleteWe had markers with one of our pregnancies as well Sarah, I'm praying everything is just perfect.... it turned out just fine for us, but I know your worries and thoughts very well... I had the same fears for the weeks until we knew for sure. I can't wait to find out boy or girl for you!! <3
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